Manicure in Tinsel Town

I'm having my nails done at my neighborhood place and in walks Mac Jones. He's about 6'10" (that's the truth) and black. He's a regular in the neighborhood. He sells knock off purses to the customers in the shops in the area for $100+ a pop. He's a real likable guy and hangs around for a bit when he's not making a sale.

Well, yesterday he walks in laughing, saying, "I dodged that bullet." Here's his story...

He had been married twice and never had children due to a low sperm count. His second wife wanted a divorce, sent him all the papers which he signed and (wrongly) assumed that he was legally divorced. He then hooked up with a Philippine woman in her mid 40s and they moved in together. I guess they didn't use birth control (remember low sperm count) and she became pregnant. They tried to get married, but he found out he was never divorced from his second wife. At 57 he was nervous about becoming a father, but was determined to do the right thing.

Back to yesterday...She had the baby, a boy, and he went to visit them in the hospital. He's hysterical laughing. It's not his baby. He points to my (Vietnamese) manicurist and says that the baby looks just like her. "The baby is Chinese" he says. My manicurist is pretending to be offended...she's not Chinese. And he continues that the baby has no black in him. This time he points to a customer saying that the baby is whiter than she is. By this time the whole shop is in hysterics. Besides, he says that the baby's "thing" (his word)”is that small”. He holds 2 fingers about 1/4 inch apart and reminds us how black men are hung.

Now, he's on a roll. He continues. Everyone in the shop has tears rolling down their faces. He's ecstatic....he's dodged the bullet.

I ask him for the baby's name. "Mac" he tells me. "What's his last name?" I ask. "Jones" he says. Sounds like that bullet boomeranged.

So all you writers who are sitting next door at Starbucks, close up your laptops and come get your nails done. Who could think this up?

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The doctor who delivered one of my children, some 30+ years ago, died Tuesday. He went into the hospital for knee surgery and died a few days later.

So much for elective surgery!

Birthdays Doggie Style

Last night we went to a doggie birthday. The dog's owners are lesbian couple. Someone described the crowd as "eclectic"...I'll say, Actually, it was one of the best parties I've been to in ages. There were about 20 dogs, all well behaved. Most of the dogs know each other from the park.

There was a lot of food and drink for the humans. The "piece de resistance", however, was the birthday cake for the dogs...meatloaf with potato icing.

Today I'm off to my granddaughter's birthday party. I wonder what kind of cake she'll have. It better be chocolate!

Life In LA

Several weeks ago,my housekeeper asked for Thursday and Friday off. When I asked her why she told me she was having a boob job. When I asked her who was doing it, she told me of some Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.

When she came back on Monday, I tried to send her home. I was worried she might hurt herself. She refused. Said she was fine as long as she didn't raise her arms.Promised me she'd be careful. Never complained.

She looks terrific. If I weren't so afraid of doctors, I'd ask her for a referral. Incidentally, she often rides her motorcycle to work. I think I was in the wrong profession.

How Bad Is This?

I have a friend with A LOT of money. She's a good person. Wouldn't hurt a fly. All of her children are dead. Her husband is dead. Her remaining relatives have abandoned her. The few that haven't, probably want her $$$$.

Today, I helped her start to get her affairs in order. Her holdings are all over the place and are difficult to manage. Today we got started putting them in one place. This is a painful task for me, reminiscent of doing this for my mother.

My friend is old. She is overwhelmed and seems scattered. Actually, she has all her marbles. She's hard of hearing and misses a lot, so she seems senile.

I was with her for 5 hours today, trying to start to get her affairs in order, a daunting task. We made a lot of headway today. We got the process started.

So how does a good person end up having all her children and her husband die? How does she end up being vulnerable to the vultures circling her nest egg?

Next time anyone says, "What goes around, comes around," I'm going to deck them.

More From The Health Club

This is from the past....

I sit on a an exercise bike in a remote corner, far from the spandex and the meat market, with my head buried in a book. I am clearly autistic or trying to be. My body language says, "Go away." Somehow this posture seems to invite people to my side. Not only do they talk to me, but they tell me their problems and ask ME (of all people) for advice. You must understand that I, at my ripe old age, am still trying to figure out how to get thru my life somewhat gracefully.

So here's one sad tale. A very overweight woman (in spandex) tells me that her husband of 30 plus years has decided he's gay and has taken up with a 20 something year old. She is distraught, confused, hurt, etc. What she finds odd though is that her sex life has improved since her husband has taken up with this young man. She would like to know what I would do under the circumstances. I tell her that I would not be having sex with her husband, but if she felt she must, I advised her to wear a full body wet suit. Wouldn't you think my remark would send her far away from me? Wrong. I became her new best therapist. Go figure!

From The Past

I have been to the health club a few times this past week, but have nothing new to report. I'm too busy just trying to get out. I hate it there, but I'm determined to put in a month or two...fighting gravity and all afflictions of an aging body.

But here is some old news from previous visits. This should explain why I hate it there so much. While getting undressed for the shower, (humiliated by the state of my sagging and expanding body) I got to witness two naked lesbians making out...hot and heavy they were. I left for the shower before they escalated. Now, do you think I should have to witness this in my old age?

And yes, dear daughter, a lot of these surgeries are south of the border, invisible to the naked eye, but talked about as the latest and greatest.

Stay tuned for more health club stories. Some you just won't believe.